Saturday, January 19, 2013

Brain Damaged- And Loving It

"Did you get the cheese?"
I opened the bag and stared inside. Shook my head and gave her the 'deer in the headlights' look.
"But you wrote a list." That's my wife, always using logic on me.
"I forgot to look at it." Then I pull out my Free Pass. "Brain damage, darlin'." Oh, yeah. I've had two concussions, both with amnesia, from riding dirt bikes. The first time I was with my kids and... well, I don't remember what happened until I stood there asking questions like, " Where are we?" and "What are we doing here?" while my computer rebooted. The kids thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen.
The second time... well, I don't remember either but my friends thought it was a hoot. Insensitive friends. Reminds me of a dirt biker's t-shirt: 'It's funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.'
Since those events, I have a built in excuse. My wife overhears me having a conversation with my sister about the grandkids going to the zoo. "Why didn't you tell me?" Brain damage.
But it gives her comfort, because if I didn't have brain damage, I would be an idiot, and she married me. She's off the hook!
I recommend Brain Damage for every man. Not women. Men and women are different. Honest! We men blow things up, set ourselves on fire, and cut ourselves, no big deal. A woman splits a fingernail and the world is going to collapse in on itself. For instance, my dad has never pruned shrubs in his yard without shedding blood. He comes inside and it's: "Hey Dad you cut yourself."
He looks at his arm.
"No. The other one. The one dripping blood on the tile."
"Oh, wow," he says, "I better get a band aid."
"No, you better get stitches. And a blood transfusion."
What I recommend to you men is this: If you haven't had head trauma, find a helmet- football, baseball, motorcycle, doesn't matter. Put it on. Now put your head down and run, full tilt, into the opposite wall, smashing your head into it.* Excellent. Now, you've got a reason for your mistakes. You bought yogurt, but not low fat? Brain damage. Didn't gas the car up when that's the reason you took the car to the gas station? Hey, you're not responsible, just damaged goods. If your spouse is sensitive at all, she'll say, "Oh, honey, I forgot about your condition. I'll go get the yogurt and fuel up the car. Here's the remote. You watch television."
She leaves and you could watch television. But you better put on the tool belt and fix that hole in the wall. 

*Do not run with your head into a wall without first consulting your doctor. Results may vary. Should you attempt to run headfirst into a wall, you may experience the following side effects: Dizziness, temporary or permanent amnesia, unconsciousness, headache, neck, spinal and back injuries, bruising to the head, a vegetative condition, anger and frustration from your wife, or laughter from your children. If you experience any of these side effects, cease running with your head into the wall immediately and see your doctor. Running with your head into the wall should not be taken with alcohol or any other drug. 

Kevin B Parsons is an entrepreneur, author, motivational speaker and avid motorcyclist. He’s started and operated nine businesses in six states, and purchased one business.  He’s written a Children’s book, Ken Johnson and Roxi the Rocker, available on Amazon. He’s co authored six anthologies and written numerous articles and stories.
This year he appeared on the cover of American Motorcyclist magazine, along with the feature story he wrote.
Kevin has ridden and raced motorcycles since age thirteen, and is two time Best In The Desert champion. Currently he and his wife Sherri have embarked on a '50 States in 50 Weeks' adventure, riding a motorcycle with a pop- top tent trailer. He blogs every day during his adventure at  


Liz Flaherty said...

Hilarious! And, off the subject, how did you do that signature thing? I'd love to have that! Here's my email if you wouldn't mind telling me.


June McCullough said...

Enjoyed this very much. Very funndy. Your wife should use it too. When she drives up in a new car and you're surprised beyond words, she'll say, "We agreed to buy this last week. Don't you remember? It must be you're brain damage, darlin'."

Anonymous said...

Very funny indeed! I could relate, as I've had two concussions myself...I think.
Thanks for the laugh.

J.B. DiNizo said...

This is truly funny! So when my husband brings home pistachio ice cream instead of vanilla, it's due to brain damage?

Linda Robinson said...

LOL funny! You and my husband, Bruce, may be relatives! His grocery bags when he gets home from a solo shopping trip are truly surprising sometimes, and his excuses are a riot. :-)

H L Wegley said...

Thanks, Kevin! I've got to give that a try. My wife never forgets it when I forget. Doesn't accept physical pain as an excuse either -- but brain damage...maybe that would fly.

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Thank you all for your positive comments. This is the happiest day of my life, as far as I can remember.

Elaine Stock said...

Kevin, thanks for the smile. On a serious note, I'm glad you've recovered and living life to the fullest!

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Yes, I'm recovered... Right... Uh huh. My wife is shaking her head.

TNeal said...

Concussions and recovery from surgery sound a lot alike. A friend and his son cracked up the moment they saw me a few days after my colonoscopy. They were the ones who picked me up and brought me home. I kept asking the same question over and over again the entire half hour drive. I remember the drive home. I don't remember the conversation. Good post. Laughed all the way through.

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Brain damage and colonoscopy, hmmm. I've never considered the connection! However after running a camera crew through your- ahem- 'target zone,' I can understand your dilemma!

Deborah M said...

Funny, but it would have been funnier if I'd been a man. LOL
Good job.
Debbie Malone

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Yes, Deborah, except it always seems to be the men doing the brain damage. Ow.