THE KIDS MOVE OUT, THE HORMONES MOVE IN

By Kathryn Bain

            I think God might have done it backward. We should be able to enjoy getting old more than we’re able to. After all the kids are grown and gone. There’s a strange sense of peace and a clean house for the first time in years. Too bad peace of mind doesn’t last long.

            Last night I woke in a pool of perspiration, and it was only forty degrees out. After breakfast the next morning heat engulfed my body. Welcome to my world of night sweats and hot flashes. This should be the time in my life when I do what I want. All I want to do is stay home and sleep.

            If menopause isn’t bad enough, my body now makes strange noises and no longer works properly. I find myself standing in line to use the lady’s bathroom so I don’t “leak” in my car.

            It’s not a choice anymore as to whether I can wait until I get home to use the bathroom. When I have to go, I have to go. If the line is too long, I’ll use the men’s. But men, there’s no worry. What’s that old saying? If they have something I haven’t seen before, I’ll just shoot it. Of course, it’s been so long since I’ve seen anything, there might be additions I’m not aware of.

            Advertisements for adult diapers are no longer funny. I consider them informational guides. Have you seen leak-proof pads or diapers for adults? For those unfamiliar, let me describe them for you. The leak proof pad is the size of a bicycle seat. You’re supposed to wear this inside your underwear and walk at the same time. An adult diaper comes in one size, extra plush. No thong styles here. How can you look sexy in a Depends?

            I wish Mattel would come out with a middle-age Barbie. She’d have reading glasses, wrinkle cream that doesn’t work, and cellulite. I have little doubt she’d still have her fake boobs though. Nothing looks better on a fifty-year old body then large round plastic balls hanging down to your belly button.

            Loose bladder, night sweats, hot flashes and irregular periods. What could be next? Gray hair.

            I went from looking and feeling like I was thirty, to looking and feeling eighty within a twenty-four hour period. At least I have one solution for my gray strands. Ms. Clairol. As we get older, we lose friends and find new ones. Ms. Clairol tells me how I can look younger just by using this stuff in a box. This could be the start of a great relationship.

            It’ll be nice when I get past all this mid-life stuff. If God had made it so we could be more like teenagers once we hit our fifties that would have been great. But alas, things do start wearing out over time. And this too shall pass like everything else in life. One day there will be no more menopause. I’ll adjust to all the changes in my body. I did it as a teenager, I can do it again. I just can’t imagine what’s next.

Colonoscopy. What’s a colonoscopy?

Kathryn J. Bain began writing more than ten years ago. Her first release "Breathless" came out January 13, 2012. Her novella “Game of Hearts” was released in March 2012 followed by her inspirational romantic suspense "Catch Your Breath".

She is the former President of Florida Sisters in Crime and is currently the Public Relations Director and Membership Director for Ancient City Romance Authors.

To survive and pay bills, she has been a paralegal for over twenty years and works for an attorney who specializes in elder law.

She has two daughters and a dog named Gretchen.

Kathryn grew up in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. In 1981, she moved to Boise, but it apparently wasn't far enough south, because two years later she headed Jacksonville, Florida and has lived in the sunshine ever since.

Kathryn's website: http://kathrynjbain.com/