Wednesday, December 19, 2012

THE KIDS MOVE OUT, THE HORMONES MOVE IN





By Kathryn Bain



            I think God might have done it backward. We should be able to enjoy getting old more than we’re able to. After all the kids are grown and gone. There’s a strange sense of peace and a clean house for the first time in years. Too bad peace of mind doesn’t last long.
            Last night I woke in a pool of perspiration, and it was only forty degrees out. After breakfast the next morning heat engulfed my body. Welcome to my world of night sweats and hot flashes. This should be the time in my life when I do what I want. All I want to do is stay home and sleep.
            If menopause isn’t bad enough, my body now makes strange noises and no longer works properly. I find myself standing in line to use the lady’s bathroom so I don’t “leak” in my car.
            It’s not a choice anymore as to whether I can wait until I get home to use the bathroom. When I have to go, I have to go. If the line is too long, I’ll use the men’s. But men, there’s no worry. What’s that old saying? If they have something I haven’t seen before, I’ll just shoot it. Of course, it’s been so long since I’ve seen anything, there might be additions I’m not aware of.


            Advertisements for adult diapers are no longer funny. I consider them informational guides. Have you seen leak-proof pads or diapers for adults? For those unfamiliar, let me describe them for you. The leak proof pad is the size of a bicycle seat. You’re supposed to wear this inside your underwear and walk at the same time. An adult diaper comes in one size, extra plush. No thong styles here. How can you look sexy in a Depends?
            I wish Mattel would come out with a middle-age Barbie. She’d have reading glasses, wrinkle cream that doesn’t work, and cellulite. I have little doubt she’d still have her fake boobs though. Nothing looks better on a fifty-year old body then large round plastic balls hanging down to your belly button.
            Loose bladder, night sweats, hot flashes and irregular periods. What could be next? Gray hair.
            I went from looking and feeling like I was thirty, to looking and feeling eighty within a twenty-four hour period. At least I have one solution for my gray strands. Ms. Clairol. As we get older, we lose friends and find new ones. Ms. Clairol tells me how I can look younger just by using this stuff in a box. This could be the start of a great relationship.
            It’ll be nice when I get past all this mid-life stuff. If God had made it so we could be more like teenagers once we hit our fifties that would have been great. But alas, things do start wearing out over time. And this too shall pass like everything else in life. One day there will be no more menopause. I’ll adjust to all the changes in my body. I did it as a teenager, I can do it again. I just can’t imagine what’s next.
Colonoscopy. What’s a colonoscopy?

Kathryn J. Bain began writing more than ten years ago. Her first release "Breathless" came out January 13, 2012. Her novella “Game of Hearts” was released in March 2012 followed by her inspirational romantic suspense "Catch Your Breath".
She is the former President of Florida Sisters in Crime and is currently the Public Relations Director and Membership Director for Ancient City Romance Authors.
To survive and pay bills, she has been a paralegal for over twenty years and works for an attorney who specializes in elder law.
She has two daughters and a dog named Gretchen.
Kathryn grew up in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. In 1981, she moved to Boise, but it apparently wasn't far enough south, because two years later she headed Jacksonville, Florida and has lived in the sunshine ever since.

Kathryn's website: http://kathrynjbain.com/







13 comments:

H L Wegley said...

I've been with someone who has been there and done that. I've shivered from hypothermia after being forced to drink frappucinos and iced lattes in the dead of winter. I've roared threw radar traps on the way to the nearest restroom. And I'm going to stop right here and plead the fifth.

Kathryn J. Bain said...

It might be wise to quit there before you find yourself in trouble. Thank you for stopping by, H.L.

Linda Robinson said...

Kathryn, I love your sense of humor. I needed a good laugh!

Kathryn J. Bain said...

Linda, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for stopping by.

tomynate said...

Us guys have our issues as well. Some are common with some you mentioned. Getting older isn't for wimps. Laughing about it is the key. Not laughing about it brings on other issues. Great post.

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Being a guy, I can't relate much, but laughed out loud at your humor! Then you wrote the 'C' word at the end. Youch! A colonoscopy is one movie don't want to attend, even if you are the star of the show!
KP

JoAnn S. said...

A colostomy? That's a test where the doctor looks for something he hasn't seen before. :-) I just pray if he finds it, he doesn't "shoot" it!
Sounds as if the Lord is trying to take your mind off empty-nest syn drone or are you going through that as well? I'm praying for you!

Kathryn J. Bain said...

Tomynate, if we didn't laugh, we'd cry and that would only leave us miserable. And laugh wrinkles look so much better than worry lines. Thank you for stopping by.

Kathryn J. Bain said...

For some reason the last post listed me as Anonymous. Must be God's way of deflating my ego. :) Sorry about that Kevin.

Kathryn J. Bain said...

JoAnn, thanks for the prayers. I'm going through the empty nest. Both my girls are gone. It's just me and the dog. One good thing, I don't have to attend a writer's retreat for peace and quiet. I get that at home now. Thank you for stopping by and Merry Christmas.

Annis Pratt said...

Here's the good news. After menopause is all over, you get PMZ. I kid you not - that stands for Post Menopausal Zest. I was so fired up by my power surges (as I called my hot flashes) that I quit my high powered job and started another career that I'd always want to pursue, along with community activism for great causes with fun people. It's a whole new world; just be patient, and stay away from those hormones. If I'd taken them I would be dead now, because I developed a cancer that was estrogen sensitive, but I'm alive and well and kicking at 75.

Kathryn J. Bain said...

Thanks Annis for giving me something to look foward to. I could use some zest right now. These days I feel like I'm running on empty. Thanks again for stopping by and Merry Christmas.

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