Friday, October 25, 2013

The iCar

         I saw that Apple made an iCar. That sounded awesome! They make cool stuff for young and clever people. Wouldn't an iCar keep me young and cool? I ran to the Apple dealership to get the first one, for bragging rights. Tyler the salesman (young and cool) showed videos of really awesome people driving snappy stainless steel cars. He gave me the virtual tour. Sign me up! Tyler the salesman worked up the deal on his phone gadget. Then he asked, "Would you like some Opps with it?"
          "Right. Options." I liked the price. "No, that's okay."
          "Suit yourself." He spoke into his nifty headset and told me the car would soon appear beyond the side door. I trotted to the door and steeled my resolve not to press my nose against the glass. Soon a forklift appeared with a car body on a pallet. The operator glanced around, then opened the door. "You Kevin Parsons?"
          "Yes sir."
          "I got your car."
          "What?" I ran and found the salesman. Explained the dilemma.
          "You just bought the operating system. The drive train. We added the steering wheel, doors and windows for free." Did the Apple guy just say it had windows? Amazing. But I wanted an entire car. Tyler agreed and we returned to the Opps Department. "Would you like wheels?" 
          Dur! "Yes."
          "Seats? Seat belts? Glove compartment? Door locks? Gauges?" Yesyesyesyesyesyes and yes. Finally, I had my car. I started it up. It took around five minutes to start, as it needed to load all the Opps. I drove to the road and signaled for a lef- wait a minute. No turn signal! I returned to the sales guy and we added turn signals. Oh, and would I like headlights and tail lights? Yes and yes.
          I started the car again. This time it took quite a bit longer. Drove away. The engine died. An error code appeared on the windshield: 'Defragification of parabolic parameters at torque delivery system necessary.' I called the salesman, who referred me to a forum of others suffering a similar malady. Three hours later I rolled again. Halfway home I drove through a cloudburst. No windshield wipers. I returned to the salesman and asked for another Opp. Wipers.
          "There's a really cool one. Two guys designed it in their garage. They swipe to the music from the radio. You got the radio Opp, right?" Four hours later I drove away and as the rain fell, I activated my radio Opp. Ozzy Osborne sang 'Crazy Train.' The wipers swept across the glass in a frenzied fashion. I hoped they wouldn't break. Soon James Taylor sang 'You've Got a Friend' and they almost stopped. I noticed the turn signals doing the same and they wouldn't stop. But being an expert now, I knew what to do. I pulled to the side of the road and shut off the car. Waited a minute. Started it again. The turn signals stopped and the wipers kept time to Celine Dion, 'I Drove All Night.' Awesome.

Kevin has written numerous books and anthologies and blogs twice a week on, posts on Author Culture ( and is a contributing writer to Choices eMagazine.

Kevin has owned numerous businesses in the construction, motorcycle, and real estate industries, in Nevada, California, Washington, Oregon and Arizona. He currently enjoys life at 9,000 feet in Brian Head, Utah with his patient wife Sherri. His favorite tools are a sledgehammer and axe.


Karen Lange said...

Thanks to both of you for sharing this! Have a great weekend! :)

................................ Kevin Parsons said...

Have a fine weekend yourself, and hug your car!

H. Kirk Rainer said...

Sounds like an exhausting experience--save the vehicle being all electric, without exhaust.

Claude Nougat said...

Ha ha, I died laughing! That's exactly it. God help us from ever having a car made by digital geeks!!!