Perfect Change

 

When we moved from a city of millions to a rural farming community, I expected change. But not this kind.

Our first week in a town of nine thousand people and three stoplights, we visited the farm and garden supply. At the checkout stand, my city-girl eyes grew two sizes when I saw the counter display. I was used to chewing gum, celebrity magazines, and breath mints. Now I stared at udder salve and chocolate-covered caramel patties in the shape of cow. . . well, you know.

 

When I let the cats out one morning and a grotesque creature greeted me by waving its claws in the air, I panicked. “There’s a huge insect on our back porch,” I cried to my husband. “Come quick before it attacks our kitties!” As Kevin rubbed sleep from his eyes, his chuckle grew loud, then louder. “That is a crawdad, Jeanette—I learned about them in fourth grade. It must’ve crawled up here from the creek bank after the rain last night. It’s more afraid of your cats than you are of it.”

But we got the shock of our lives two days after Christmas, when Kevin’s car spun out of control on the icy highway and landed in the ditch. A neighbor let him into her house and allowed him to call the towing service, then me. She wasn’t afraid Kev would rob her, and she didn’t make fun of him for setting the cruise control while driving on ice. “Every winter, three or four people land in the ditch on that curve—welcome to the club!”

Our insecure world changes by the minute. Although God promises protection, the changes are not always good. So, when we discovered kindness amidst the cow patties and crawdads, we realized we’d found the perfect change.

 

 

“Nutty with a dash of meat” best describes Jeanette Levellie’s speaking, writing and life. She has published hundreds of humor/inspirational columns, articles, greeting cards, and poems. A spunky pastor’s wife, Jeanette is the mother of two, grandmother of three, and waitress to four cats. Her debut humoros devotional book, Two Scoops of Grace withChuckles on Top, released in April, 2012, and is now an Amazon bestseller. Find her mirthful musings on www.jeanettelevellie.com

It's a Small(er) World

 

While eating baby back ribs recently, I noticed how napkins are shrinking. It’s bad enough that manufacturers inject air into them to make them appear plump. Now they’re decreasing their size.  One used to cover my whole lap; these days it barely fits on the top third of a thigh.

Candy bars have also been shrinking with the times.  Years ago, it took me five bites to eat my Gooey-Wooey bar. Today I have to get out Grandma’s magnifying glass to gaze at its loveliness before I pop it into my mouth and down it in two nibbles.

And have you been as shocked as I have how ice cream containers dwindled overnight from half a gallon to 1.5 quarts? We used to serve ice cream with our birthday cakes. Nowadays we simply wave the carton over each plate as a sweet remembrance of bigger times.

Coffee can shrinkage is another travesty.  Remember when you bought coffee by the pound? These days it comes in 12 or 13 oz. packages, for the same price.  Soon they’ll be selling it by the cup, and charging $3.50 a slurp. Oh, they’re already doing that.

 

TV shows take up only 45 minutes instead of 52; modern cars are the size of my grandson’s scooter; even band-aids barely cover a boo-boo anymore.

But what shrinkage do you suppose has created the greatest stress to my life in the last five years? Yep, you guessed it. My clothes continue to get smaller and smaller…

Wife of one, mother of two, servant of four (cats)

A spunky pastor’s wife of thirty-plus years, Jeanette Levellie authors a bi-weekly humor/inspirational column, God is Bigger, a popular feature in the Paris Beacon News since 2001. She has published stories in Guideposts anthologies, Love is a Verb with Gary Chapman, articles in Christian and secular magazines, greeting card verses, and poems for calendars. She is a lively, popular speaker for both Christian and secular groups, and a trained vocalist.

Jeanette’s bestselling humor/inspirational book, Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, published by Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas,  released in April, 2012.  Visit Jeanette on her blog, On Wings of Mirth and Worth, at www.jeanettelevellie.com, and on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1796624570

 

 

How Do I Annoy Thee?

 

When I’ve accused my husband of laying awake nights concocting new ways to annoy me, he disagrees. “I don’t have to lay awake—I irritate you without trying.”

I recently discovered how he invents all these bothersome habits of his that seem to multiply daily as he ages. He is the founder and lifetime president of the Annoyance of the Hour Club for Men.

                He never upset me when we were dating and engaged. Well, maybe once a week or so, but it was easy to overlook the wee little quirks that everyone must have. Love and passion trump those prickly frustrations hardly worth mentioning.

                Until the honeymoon. While I was sleeping, washing my hair, or glancing at the moon, he called the first meeting of the AOHC, with only himself in attendance. And he’s been devising new ways to bug me ever since.

                 How can a person make noise getting underwear out of a drawer? He’s invented a way.

                How can he always need to be in the same spot at the same moment as I, in my extra large kitchen?  He’s figured that out, too.

 

 

                Can he listen to high-pitched snippets of irritating music as he transfers cassettes to cd’s on the computer when I’m gone to work all day, and he has the house to himself? Oh, no. He must do this never-ending job when I’m home, trying to concentrate on my writing in the next room. 

                When I’m at Bible study on Friday nights, I’m sure he holds meetings of the other men who belong to his Club—all married men—and they share their secrets and new discoveries.

                “I found out that when I trim my toenails during her favorite TV show, it drives her nutso.”

                “Dude, that’s nothing. You need to trim them when her mother is visiting. Or better yet, don’t trim them at all, and then stab her with them just as she’s dropping off to sleep.”

                I can imagine the back slaps and high fives when one of them comes up with an original annoyance.

                “Hey, you guys know how we decided to start mumbling to ourselves all over the house? I discovered this week that humming the same tune hundreds of times in one day works much better. They can ignore the mumbling after awhile, but the humming makes them crazy. Especially if there’s no definable rhythm or melody. Just make something up with the same six notes over and over.” They then practice for each other, perfecting their hums until they reach the perfect pinnacle of irksomeness.

 

 

                Next on the agenda comes smacking, slurping and spilling of the noisiest snacks and drinks they could find, and closing their eyes to the leftover mess.

                They end the meeting with a secret oath to work harder at grating on their wives’ nerves, proselytize every new husband they meet, and teach their sons from infancy how to develop exasperating habits.

                I thought of starting my own club for women, so we could retaliate. But after two minutes of consideration, I realized none of us would live long enough to catch up, let alone even the score. I’m forced to concede: as creative as we are, we women cannot hold a—drippy—candle to the ways men find to annoy.   

 

 

Since beginning her writing career, Jeanette Levellie has published hundreds of articles, columns, stories, greeting card verses, and poems. Last year her debut book, Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, became a bestseller on Amazon in the Christian Humor category. Find more of her mirthful musings on www.jeanettelevellie.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Got Tattoos?

 Got Tattoos? 

            My former co-worker, Linda comes up with some great lines, but my favorite one is “I’m trying to remember what I think I know.” 

            I love her for saying that. I know she did it on purpose to make me feel better for the time I sent my son to the store for ‘some liquid stuff you put on your cereal in the morning’ because I couldn’t think of the word ‘milk.’ But my worst case of memory lapse was when I answered the phone several years ago in the midst of a stressful day and chirped, “Citizens Bank, this is…..” I thought it was outrageously funny that I had forgotten my own name, but the customer on the other end was not amused!

            Aren’t you relieved God never forgets you? From before the world was shaped, He knew you and had a perfect, magnificent plan for your life. Before you ever said “Yes” to Him, He had you in His heart.

copyright, Ron Levellie, 2011
 

            In fact, He has a very unique way of remembering all of His kids: tattoos. If you don’t believe me, look at Isaiah 49:15,16:  “Can a woman forget her nursing child? And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.”  God is so in love with you, so thoughtful of your needs that He’s tattooed you on His hands!

            What, you don’t think God would actually put a tattoo of you in His hand? “That’s a pretty painful way to keep me in His mind,” you may be saying. No more painful than nails in His hands and feet. Or a whip on His back. Or, the rejection of His own family and nation. But to Him, you were worth all the pain He endured, just to have you in His family and spend eternity with you. He knew that the pain of His death and separation from His Father wouldn’t last forever, but You would. So He willingly gave His life in your place.

            If He’d go to such a painful death in your place, how could He possibly forget you now? “He who did not spare His own Son, but freely gave Him up for us all, how much more will He freely give us all things?”  Romans 8: 32. 

            When you have sacrificed your own comfort to give to someone in need, He does not forget your labor of love. When you have spent time in prayer for a person who’s wronged you, He remembers your graciousness. When you long to tell someone off but keep your mouth shut, He notes your self control. Every time you pass up a sin or repent of one, He remembers your obedience. And when you are in trouble and anguish, He hears every cry and saves every tear.

            Whether God has actually tattooed or simply written you on His hand, you are forever on His mind. Unlike Linda, me or any of us, He never forgets a name: yours.
 

          The above is an excerpt from Jeanette Levellie's bestselling humorous devotional, Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top. Connect with Jeanette for more laughter and grace at her website, On Wings of Mirth and Worth.

 

 

Confessions of a Jailbird

Everyone told me I needed to join Facebook to keep up with family members who lived far away and didn’t know what a letter was. I could make new friends who had the same interests as I. It would also help me gain exposure as a writer, so people would recognize my name and buy my books. Best of all, they said, it was fun. That last word was all I needed. “Sign me up!” I shouted, logging onto the Facebook site.

 

At first, I accepted friendship requests from every Mabel, Butch, and Greta who breezed onto my profile and offered me a cyber dark chocolate. Facebook must have known the kinds of people I like to associate with, because they posted suggestions of ones I might want to befriend, complete with a mug shot of each.How sweet of them to help me gain more friends, I thought. I spent many merry moments on their site.

Until they put me in jail.

Yep. Seems I had requested friendship of too many people who reported that they didn’t recognize my mug. Facebook sent me a not-so-merry message, forbidding me for seven days from making new friends in the FB playground. I think it was supposed to make me cry, and repent of my too-friendly ways.

What Facebook didn’t know was that I came out of the womb with business cards in my wee hand, introducing myself to every nurse, doctor, and aide in the hospital. I planned birthday parties for all the newborns in the nursery, and volunteered to be the clown.  I came back six weeks later to teach my first How to Make Friends and Influence Parents class.

So, FB jail didn’t scare me. I can make friends anywhere.

Jeanette Levellie is the author of Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, a bestselling humorous devotional that will help you receive God's love and like yourself better. You can find Jeanette's Facebook page here, and she'd love to be your friend, evef if it lands her in jail.

Name That Kid!

I feel sorry for modern kids. Or should I say kydz? Today’s parents either don’t know how to spell, or they’re trying to be cute. 

           Not long ago, David was always D-A-V-I-D. Little Davey didn’t need to spell his name to the librarian, his Sunday school teacher, or the softball coach. Now he totes flashcards and wears a name tag day and night. It might be Dayvid, Davidde, or Daivihd. Same with a perfectly decent name like Mary. Her flashcards could read anything from Mahree to Mayrie to Mairey.

I cringe to think where this generation of creative spellers is leading us. Imagine a family singing together on a road trip. Sister starts, “There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o, B-I-N-G-O...”

Brother interrupts, “That’s not right. Kevin has a dog named Bingo and they spell it B-E-E-N-G-O-U-G-H.” Family bonding takes a huge step backwards.

Or what about Sunday school songs? The leader steps to the podium and charges into, “The B-I-B-L-E, yes that’s the book for me…” when a redheaded girl in the front row corrects him.

“We don’t spell it that way anymore,” she says. “We use the new spelling: B-Y-E-B-I-L-L.” He stumbles off the stage, his hopes for a shining career as a song leader dashed.

I know, I know. Embrace progress, move forward, don’t dwell on the past, change is good, etc. I agree. But please don’t tell me I’m going to turn on the T.V. one day and hear “M-I-K-K-E-E M-O-W-H-S!”

Jeanette Levellie is a humor/inspirational author and speaker who's published hundreds of articles, columns, stories, and poems. She's thankful that her debut book, Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top: Sweet, Funny Reminders of God's Heart for You, has received tremendous reviews. She and her husband Kevin, from Paris, IL, are the parents of two grown children, three grandchildren, and servants to four cats. Jeanette spells her name the right way.